Study 5: Shame & Sexuality

Shame & Sex, Part I: Shame & Sexuality

Next week: Shame & Sex, Part II: Shame & Bodies/Dress

Overview of Questions

1. What is sexuality?
2. What is lust?
3. What is desire?
4. What is the difference between sexual sin and sexual temptation?
5. Do you experience shame surrounding sexual temptation (before it turns to sin that needs confession)? What is misplaced shame in regards to sexual desire?
6. Do you confess your sexual sins?
7. What is shameless sexual intimacy? AND, What is sexuality ‘without shame’ (or, dignified sexuality)?
8. How can we be chaste while still having healthy sexuality in relationships?

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Questions, Verses, and Discussion

1. What is sexuality?

Genesis 1:27
1 Timothy 4:4

• Sexuality = the capacity for sexual feelings
• Sexual identity, sexual behavior, the physiological, social, spiritual aspects of sex
• Distinct from "gender"
• Not something that is achieved; rather, it is a state of being --- we are sexual beings the second we are born
  
• Jesus, fully human, had sexuality
• Sexuality is good (1 Timothy 4:1-5)
  

2. What is lust?

Matthew 5:27-30 --- 27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ 28 But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. 30 And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.”

• Sexual desire that dishonors its object and disregards God
• Sexual desire minus commitment to honor the other person
• Shamelessness in the sense that it is the violation of another person for pleasure or passion; the other is shamelessly used, taken possession of, or suppressed
• Lust means I exploit another person & do not respect that person's dignity or vulnerability
• Selfish desire
• Insatiable desire
• Hard to distinguish sometimes between sexual desire & lust....
  

3. What is desire?

1 John 2:15-17
James 1:14-15 --- 14 But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. 15 Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death

• God created sexual desire and it is "good" because He created it
• Sexual desire is not sin
  
• Satan uses, abuses, and manipulates the good that is sexual desire
• The more strongly we feel sexual desire, the more susceptible we are to be deceived that it is not wrong to satisfy it through sin
• Contentment of faith does not take away sexual desire
• We may use sex to try to satisfy the hunger we have for real intimacy but instead it leaves us feeling empty and guilty. As C. S. Lewis said, it's not that our desires are too strong - they are too weak, we’re too easily satisfied.
  

4. What is the difference between sexual sin and sexual temptation?

1 Corinthians 10:13 --- 13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
Hebrews 4:15 --- 15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.

• Sexual sin not just about what we "haven't done" --- without the grace of Jesus, we are all as bad as the worst prostitute despite what we haven't done
• Temptation -- wanting to cross the line; Sin -- crossing the line
• What is "the line"? ---> Grace is key; beware of legalism; Most Christian teaching on sex centers on making rules rather than discussing the purpose of sex and what it
  communicates.
• When people want to ask, "How far is too far?" they are asking the wrong question. Certainly the Bible does lay down some limits, though.
  
• Chastity: not just about "not doing ___"
• Freedom vs. bondage is another key element ---- freedom: replacing desires

5. Do you experience shame surrounding sexual temptation (before it turns to sin that needs confession)? What is misplaced shame in regards to sexual desire?

Romans 8:1

• Sexual desire is not sin! Shame surrounding sexual desire is misplaced
  
• There also exists the well-placed shame surrounding sexual desire and temptation that may keep us from sin
• May have feelings that anything surrounding sexuality is wrong --- where does that come from??
• What do we want to aim for, as possible future parents, with our kids so as not to induce shame upon them for sexuality?
• Seems like in Christian circles sex gets put on this pedestal --- how can we change that? --- It is a lie to say, "Sex is what we were made for"
  
• Also, we don't talk about sexuality ---- remember that we live in a sex-induced culture and if we aren't getting True messages about sexuality, we ARE getting messages about it from somewhere that is false
  

6. Do you confess your sexual sins?

Colossians 3:5-6
Hebrews 4:13-16
David's story (Psalm 51; 2 Sam. 12:10-12, 14; 2 Sam. 12:13; Psalm 25:6-7, 11)

• David’s sexual sin was high-handed. It tore his conscience (Psalm 51; cf Psalms 32, 38). It brought immediate and long-lasting consequences (2 Sam. 12:10-12, 14). Yet David was truly forgiven (2 Sam 12:13). He experienced the joy of repentance and the wisdom, clarity, and purposeful energy that real repentance brings (the same Psalms from above, and the rest of 2 Samuel). Notice: David radically appeals to the quality of “Your mercy, O Lord” (Psalm 25:6-7, 11). David’s own conscience remembers only too well, but he appeals to what someone else will choose to remember. “When God looks at me, will he remember my sin, or his own mercies?”
• Psalm 51:4 --- "Against you, you only, have I sinned"
  

• Importance of *naming* the sin
• Confession to God; doesn't necessarily need confession to another person
  
• There is freedom in confession, even with another person
• It can help habitual sin to have a person to share with
• It can also build community to confess to another person
• We should be discerning about who we confess to (and remember the difference between confession and sharing)
• In confession, we die a painful shameful death in front of a brother or sister
• Confession allows us to become more open and a real person
• Difference between "being sorry" and repenting!
  

7. What is shameless sexual intimacy? AND, What is sexuality ‘without shame’ (or, dignified sexuality)?

Shameless: Galatians 5:19-21; Romans 1:26-27
Without shame: Genesis 2:23-24; Song of Solomon 2:3-7

• It's not wrong to be aroused; it's the seeking it out that is dangerous and likely lust-driven
• Example: purely watching a scene in a movie to have that feeling; or just experiencing the feeling itself
• Ultimately: ASK GOD --- when should you not participate? not consume? not watch? etc. (maybe the shame you feel is right!)
  
• God has patience and wants to show us when it's well-placed versus misplaced shame
• Emotional arousal vs. physical arousal (emotional tends to keep going ...)
• Is it a sin to find someone attractive?

8. How can we be chaste while still having healthy sexuality in relationships?

Romans 13:12-14; Ephesians 4:22; 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8; Romans 8:8; 1 Peter 2:11; 1 Corinthians 7:6-9; 1 Peter 1:16; 1 Corinthians 10:23-24; Galatians 6:7-8; Philippians 4:8

• Sexual integrity
• Flee sexual temptation (Joseph, Genesis 39)
• Don't eat only candy to survive
• Need God's saturation/transformation of mind
• Ultimately it is up to God's grace even if we are really astute
• God does not suggest we completely disregard our bodies and desires --- it's about glorifying Him in it --- 1 Corinthians 6: 19 Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, 20 for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.