Intro: the church seems to do a good job dealing with guilt (because we have a language and context for forgiveness), but not so much with shame (which likes to remain hidden by nature). Not all shame is bad – it can be protective and destructive. One of the difficulties in describing shame and discussing its origins is that by its very nature it wants to hide, to remain unspoken and inarticulate.
Part I: Origins & Definition of Shame
Verses
Genesis 2:18-25, 3:7-13
18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” 19 Now out of the ground the Lord God had formed every beast of the field and every bird of the heavens and brought them to the man to see what he would call them. And whatever the man called every living creature, that was its name. 20 The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him. 21 So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. 22 And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. 23 Then the man said,
“This at last is bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called Woman,
because she was taken out of Man.”
24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. 25 And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.
---
7 Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.
8 And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. 9 But the Lord God called to the man and said to him, “Where are you?” 10 And he said, “I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself.” 11 He said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten of the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?” 12 The man said, “The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate.” 13 Then the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this that you have done?” The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”
Questions
What does it mean/look like to be “without shame”?
o Naked --- specifically, public nudity (Adam & Eve)
o No fear of judgment
o No comparison
o No inadequacy
o Don’t mind being seen; lack of hiddenness
o Unbroken relationship
o WITH God
o Perfect
What are signifying elements of shame?
o Insecurity
o Face turning red
o Wanting to run away
o Embarrassment & conviction
o Condemnation of who you are, not necessarily what you have done
o Defensive
o Anger
o Hopelessness
o Self-deprivation
o Guilt
o Cut off, isolated
Other notes:
- Shame wants to hide, remain inarticulate and unspoken
- Biological response: eyes averted, shoulders slumped and blushing
- Shame is the effect of indignity, of transgression and alienation
- Shame & guilt are used as signals to control the boundaries of social behavior
- Shame & sexuality are clearly linked (Genesis) – will talk about shame & sex later
- The roots of the word shame are thought to derive from an older word meaning to cover; as such, covering oneself, literally or figuratively, is a natural expression of shame
- Shame affects our inner self, our relationship with God, and outer life
- One view of difference between shame and embarrassment is that shame does not necessarily involve public humiliation while embarrassment does, that is, one can feel shame for an act known only to oneself but in order to be embarrassed one's actions must be revealed to others
- Shame may carry the connotation of a response to something that is morally wrong whereas embarrassment is the response to something that is morally neutral but socially unacceptable
- The experience of shame is directly about the self, which is the focus of evaluation. In guilt, the self is not the central object of negative evaluation, but rather the thing done is the focus.
- Guilt is concerned with what I have done wrong and its cure and reparation and forgiveness. I might feel the wretchedness of guilt, but I can do something about it, and that involves disclosure. Shame is more stubborn, and concerns who I am, not what I have done. Shame is not cured by disclosure or by confession, for it craves concealment, hiddenness and flight. It is an altogether more profound and disturbing emotion, yet too often the church has centered on guilt and pardon. Perhaps guilt is easier to ‘cure,’ seems closer to the biblical message about forgiveness or is simply less problematic.
- Shame is a sticky emotion. It is different than guilt – because it sticks to the innocent. (example: betrayed husband feels shame even though he is not guilty for the adultery of the wife)
Part II: Misplaced vs. Well-placed Shame
Verses
Well-Placed Shame:
1 Corinthians 15:34
“Wake up from your drunken stupor, as is right, and do not go on sinning. For some have no knowledge of God. I say this to your shame.”
Ezekiel 43:10
“As for you, son of man, describe to the house of Israel the temple, that they may be ashamed of their iniquities; and they shall measure the plan.”
Misplaced Shame:
2 Timothy 1:8, 12
“Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord, nor of me his prisoner, but share in suffering for the gospel by the power of God.... But I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed, and I am sure that he is able to guard until that Day what has been entrusted to me.””
Mark 8:38
“For whoever is ashamed of me and of my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, of him will the Son of Man also be ashamed when he comes in the glory of his Father with the holy angels.”
1 Peter 4:16
“Yet if anyone suffers as a Christian, let him not be ashamed, but let him glorify God in that name.”
Questions
What is the difference between well-placed shame and misplaced shame?
Well-Placed Shame
Well-placed shame (the kind you ought to have) is the shame you feel when there is good reason to feel it. Biblically that means we feel ashamed of something because our involvement in it was dishonoring to God. We ought to feel shame when we have a hand in bringing dishonor upon God by our attitudes or actions.
• Conviction from the Spirit versus condemnation from satan
Misplaced Shame
Misplaced shame (the kind we ought not to have) is the shame you feel when there is no good reason to feel it. Biblically that means the thing you feel ashamed of is not dishonoring to God; or that it IS dishonoring to God, but you didn't have a hand in it. In other words, misplaced shame is shame for something that's good—something that doesn't dishonor God. Or it's shame for something bad but which you didn't have any sinful hand in. That's the kind of shame we ought not have.
Misplaced Shame:
o When well-placed shame lingers too long
o Feeling shame for something that glorifies God
o Feeling shame for something we didn't do
Questions
How do we battle this painful emotion called shame? (Recognizing its affect on our relationship with God, our self, and our relationships with others)
• The first way to be shame-free is to be perfect; the second way to be shame-free is based on the gracious nature of covenant love.
• The healing of shame comes from acceptance of who we are in Christ
• To counter shame’s toxic effects requires regular attention, a repeated look into the face of Christ, and a repeated vulnerable openness in relation to others.
Lastly, we didn't talk about this, but it's an interesting food-for-thought quote (I think I got this from "Life Together"):
“Shame only exists as a result of the knowledge of the division of man, of the division of the world in general; therefore also from knowledge’s perception of its own division. Shame is the expression of the fact that we no longer accept the other person as the gift of God. Shame expresses my passionate desire for the other person and the knowledge that belongs to it that the other person is no longer satisfied just to belong to me but desires something from me. Shame covers me before the other because of my own evil and of his evil, because of the division that has come between us. Where the one accepts the other as the companion given to him by God, where he is content with understanding himself as the beginning from and ending in the other and in belonging to him, man is not ashamed. In the unity of unbroken obedience man is naked in the presence of man, uncovered, revealing both body and soul, and yet he is not ashamed. Shame only comes into existence in the world of division.” (Dietrich Bonhoeffer)
