Study 6: Chasing After Romance

Quote, Tim Keller ("Counterfeit Gods"):
“Romantic love is an object of enormous power for the human heart and imagination, and therefore can excessively dominate our lives. Even people who completely avoid romantic love out of bitterness or fear are actually being controlled by its power.”

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
9 Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. 10 For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! 11 Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? 12 And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

Exodus 20:3-6

3 “You shall have no other gods before me. 4 “You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. 5 You shall not bow down to them or serve them, for I the Lord your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth generation of those who hate me, 6 but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments.

Galatians 5:16-17

16 But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 17 For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do.

James 1:13-15

13 Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God,” for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. 14 But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. 15 Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.

 
I'll also encourage you to read Genesis 29 and think about Jacob specifically and his approach to love. Was love a form of slavery to him? Was Rachel Jacob's "savior"? Was romance and marriage a counterfeit god?

Questions

• Do you feel controlled by romantic love or the idea of romance?
• Why do we look to romance and sex and marriage to give us meaning?
• Power?
• Control and Security?
• Approval?
• Pleasure and Comfort?
• Of the following three responses, which one most fits you when you realize romance is an idol in your life?:
• (1) Blame the things that are disappointing you and try to move on to better ones (continued idolatry and spiritual addiction)
• (2) Blame yourself and beat yourself up – self-loathing and shame
• (3) Blame the world – (i.e. “curses on the entire opposite sex”) – hard, cynical, & empty
• How do we guard ourselves from putting our deepest hopes and longings in the person we marry?
• How do we foster healthy desires for romance & love?
• Is God a romantic?

Update 3/5/10, from Discussion

Why do we look to romance to give us meaning?

• The world pushes it
• Everyone seems to say relationships are great
• It's the unknown that's enticing
• Dating and romance get rewarded - it feels good
• Tangible, instant gratification
• Easy to get tied up in emotions
• Nice to have needs met in one specific 'irreplaceable' person
• We know it's a different level of acceptance than with friends
• Marriage is meant to be something!
• Immediate approval of "ideal self" -- with God, he knows all our mess

What makes romance an idol?

• Wanting the quick fix
• Lust can certainly be involved
• Trying to force it to happen
• Desire can lead to envy and jealously
• Expecting to be known fully by a human
• Desire for possession is more pleasurable than possession
• Craving the drama (the ups and downs) -- with God, it's constant
• Finding worth in relationships
• Addictive (to romance, see quote below)
• Worship of self, selfish behavior
• With God commitment precedes intimacy, and in the world we do it backwards
• Romance not the the same thing as love
• What we desire typically isn't even REAL
• No one can meet our expectations

How do we foster healthy desire for romance and love and relationships?

• Desire is not inherently wrong
• Lie from world: sex is love .... lie from the church: women don't really desire sex (BOOK: "Real Sex" by Lauren Winner)
• But, desire for idols should be a signal to ask yourself "why?"
• Thought can give birth to worse, so don't just dismiss the initial thought/emotion (even if that desire isn't "wrong")
• Be content --- and remember that contentment does NOT take away desire
• Enjoy and celebrate right desire
• All our desire can be found in God

Is God romantic?

• Yes, God romances ...
• God romances your ETERNAL you (not simply the physical/emotional you) -- and it is specific
• God loves us with an everlasting love (Jeremiah 31:3) --- and the "you" is both individual and collective, not simply one or the other
• We are drawn to God through other eternal beings --- he romances us through other people
• God is always present

What do we do to get ourselves out of unrealistic expectations?

• Let is die -- be honest about faulty desire with God (name them) and let them die
• Die to self --- try to do something outside of self
• Foster greater desire for God
• C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory: "Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."
• Trust God's timeline
• Thanksgiving
• Prayer
• Remember the images in the movies fall way short -- they aren't Jesus

 Quote regarding romance addiction:

"Inevitably, romance addiction, like any other addiction, begins to interfere with the addict's life. What once brought relief soon bring spain, demanding more relief, causing more pain…and so on. What was once a technique for control takes control and throw life out of balance. The addict cannot work or play with theta obsession rearing its head…. Everything else in life takes second place to feeing the addictive craving for romantic intoxication.

Ironically, in almost every case the true object of the obsession is not another person, whether real or imagined, but the addict [herself]. The addict is totally focused on her own broken soul, filled with the hurts caused by all those who have abandoned her in the past. Only one thing matters: feel better now. Only one thing is sought: immediate relief from pain.

Little attention or concern is wasted on anyone else. It is almost impossible for romance addicts, in the throes of their obsessive thinking and behavior, to see beyond the shell of their own self-absorption to the pain they are causing others. All they know is that they hurt, and that they must have what they need to salve their wound. If in the process they wound another, that is unfortunate. But it cannot be helped. Getting the romance 'fix' is all that matters."

(Shannon Ethridge, Every Woman's Battle, quoting Addicted to Love)

Study 5: Chasing After Pleasure & Comfort

Idol: "Pleasure will satisfy me."

Some quick definitions (food for thought):

• Pleasure: state of gratification; source of delight or joy; desire, inclination
• Comfort: feeling of relief or encouragement; contented well-being; satisfying or enjoyable experience
• Comfort doesn’t equal pleasure. Comfort = no pain. The opposite of pain is not pleasure, but comfort.

How Do We Chase After Pleasure?

1. Be honest with yourself. What do you enjoy doing more than anything else? If you had a completely free day, all the money in the world, and no sense of guilt, how would you spend that day?
2. At the end of a really stressful day, what to you go to first for comfort?
3. Does the search for pleasure ever consume you? Do you avoid pain? Would you consider yourself an addictive person? How would others characterize you?
4. Imagine your most enjoyable day, doing exactly what you want to do for fun and relaxation. After that day, do you see yourself thanking God? Trying to forget that God knows what you’ve done? Not even giving God a thought? Why or why not?
5. What specific pleasures do you enjoy in life?
6. Would you characterize the pleasure you experience as a gift from God or an idol that enslaves? If the latter, how do you break the bondage?
7. How can you enjoy life in the midst of disappointment and even pain?
8. What do the feelings of joy you experience in the present teach you about heaven?
9. What Scripture passages help you understand God’s joy when you feel pleasure?

Ecclesiastes 1:1-11
1:1 The words of the Preacher, the son of David, king in Jerusalem.
2 Vanity of vanities, says the Preacher,
vanity of vanities! All is vanity.
3 What does man gain by all the toil
at which he toils under the sun?
4 A generation goes, and a generation comes,
but the earth remains forever.
5 The sun rises, and the sun goes down,
and hastens to the place where it rises.
6 The wind blows to the south
and goes around to the north;
around and around goes the wind,
and on its circuits the wind returns.
7 All streams run to the sea,
but the sea is not full;
to the place where the streams flow,
there they flow again.
8 All things are full of weariness;
a man cannot utter it;
the eye is not satisfied with seeing,
nor the ear filled with hearing.
9 What has been is what will be,
and what has been done is what will be done,
and there is nothing new under the sun.
10 Is there a thing of which it is said,
“See, this is new”?
It has been already
in the ages before us.
11 There is no remembrance of former things,
nor will there be any remembrance
of later things yet to be
among those who come after.

***Note the Hebrew word for "vanity" is hebel = "vapor"


Taking a Closer Look

1. Verses 5-7 describe three natural phenomena that go around in circles. What are they? Does your life sometimes feel like it is going around in circles? Give examples.
2. Verse 10 asks, “What can you point to that is truly new?” Can you think of anything? In what way is it new?
3. According to verse 8, seeking new experiences will not bring lasting satisfaction. When have you found this to be true in your own life?
4. What is an area of struggle in your life that has recently seemed futile or meaningless?

***Update 2/26, Notes from Study

Does life ever feel like Ecclesiastes 1:1-11?

• Yes!
• When emotional
• When bored & feel stagnant

What are new experiences we chase after?

• False hope -- it's about what we hope in (the wrong things)
• Looking to the NEXT STEP
• Not so much *what* we seek but *why* and *how*
• Illusioned as to what we think will satisfy us
• Seeking contentment -- we tend to think we know better how to get that
• When we focus on our solutions to being content, we are discontent

What needs to happen to resolve this?

• Contentment --- which lends itself to pleasure and comfort! But you have to start with contentment in Christ
• Complaint is a cycle of non-enjoyment
• Thanksgiving
• Focus on the present
• Self-discipline
• Acknowledgment of a life-long process
• Reevaluate what you really want
• Sometimes the "wanting" is more pleasurable than the receiving

In what ways do you avoid pain?

• Procrastination
• Doing "fun" things (internet, TV, etc.)
• Having a fruit loop
• Wallowing in pain --- literally as a means to "avoid pain" because the real pain may feel like submitting to God
• Peacing out
• Reading something that's "easy" and a quick comfort (literary candy)

 Other issues with comfort:

• Comfort can seem like the "right thing"
• Easier to want friends to be happy rather than help them face a hard truth
• Even if you sit down and try to deal with it -- doesn't mean there will be an answer from God and that He will just "fix it"
• Need eternal perspective balanced with the right-now
• Ignore sunk costs
• Myth: the victorious Christian life
• permission to sin and exhortation to not sin again (... oh!!)
• “God’s love is not wearied by our sins or our indifference. It is quite relentless that we shall be cured of those sins; at whatever cost to us, at whatever cost to Him.” (C.S. Lewis)
• God is not intimidated by the depth and range of what we are experiencing
• "There is nothing new under the sun" --- He's seen it before!
• God isn't Advil

Study 4: Chasing After Approval

Little bit of a challenge this week to find a passage in Ecclesiastes that directly addresses approval. The best I can come up with is Ecclesiastes 6:1-12. This passage seems to deal mainly with the notion of a wasted life, but certainly addresses honor and causes us to consider what it is that makes life good and how God fits into that. Is approval from other people a necessary part of a good life? We'll discuss what level of chasing after approval makes it an idol.

Some questions:

• What role does God have in the satisfaction that wealth, possessions and honor can bring?
• Are you dissatisfied with what God has given you in this life?
• Are you ever irritated, discontent or unsatisfied unless you are loved and respected by a particular person or group of people?
• How can approval be an idol?
• Give an example of how viewing honor/approval as a gift from God would help to change your attachment to it.
• What does our society define as “the good life” and how is approval connected to it?
• How does Scripture define “the good life”? (see the Beatitudes)
• Do you find it difficult living a biblical version of the “good life,” especially if it means sacrificing approval from others?
• How can you exercise trust in God to be your source of approval?

Discussion...

What kinds of things do we do to try to gain approval from others?

• Not standing up for something we see as wrong
• Need to increase in knowledge of our field
• Get to know what other people like/want and shape ourselves to that
• Omitting information
• Conceal/reveal
• Not wanting to be weak
• Holding back our opinions
• Doing activities to impress others (e.g. resume, accomplishments)
• Conformity
• Disclaiming

What makes approval an idol?

• If we don't have it, we NEED it, get depressed, and fight harder to get it
• Not seeking God's approval first
• Looking for WORTH in other people
• It tends to spiral out of control; approval is insatiable
• Equating Christian friends' approval with God's
• Security linked to approval
• Identity in approval

How do we know we're doing what God wants?

• Get to know God and find out what he wants
• When we're not:
• Shame (vs. hope)
• Lack of peace
•  Guidance can come from other people, too

Particular people/groups we struggle with needing approval from?

• Parents
• Men
• Self
• Boyfriend/Husband
• Advisers
• Superiors
• non-Christians
• Siblings

How can we combat it?

• Finding approval in God and letting him define you
• Humble yourself
• BELIEVE Him
• Approval from others should be the icing on the cake, not the meal
• Seeking approval is insatiable, but when we aren't seeking it and receive approval, it can be satisfying and just stays there and we move on